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Go Back   FZ1OA Message Board > FZ1 & Fazer Owners Association > Bored Time (Games & Humor)

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Old 02-12-2009, 02:48 PM   #101
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Sony's newest release NYTS

Gotta love The Onion!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...tupid_piece_of
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Old 02-13-2009, 08:11 AM   #102
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Mother's love

There is a chance I may have posted this once before, but it's so touching . . .


A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fricking party, ...you're damn lucky you don't bark!"
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Old 02-13-2009, 12:22 PM   #103
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Economic stimulus payment

War room . . . joke corner . . . war room . . . joke corner


This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide if offshore. Same with stock investment.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still operating in the US.
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Old 02-23-2009, 09:06 PM   #104
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender,

"Give me a beer, and keep them coming"

As the guy is downing his first beer he motions to the bartender to draw another glass.
He drinks the second glass and reaches for the third, then the fourth.

The bartender says, "Hey, friend, you should take it a little easy here."

The guy says, "If you knew what I have . . ."

The bartender says, "What do you have???"

"75 cents!"
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Old 02-24-2009, 05:08 AM   #105
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keytickler View Post
War room . . . joke corner . . . war room . . . joke corner


This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide if offshore. Same with stock investment.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still operating in the US.
Sad but true! Am I getting a check? I don't think so.
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Old 02-24-2009, 01:40 PM   #106
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Anagrams

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait 'till you see the last one!)

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
(Probably a son-in-law.)
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:47 PM   #107
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Medical profession speaks out on the bail-out package

The allergists voted to scratch it, and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the radiologists could see right through it, and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.




In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the assholes in Washington, ...and the quacks ducked the issue.
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Old 03-09-2009, 10:15 AM   #108
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Let's end the conflict once and for all

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting,
they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop
the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its
country the right to rule the world The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring
with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest
puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog
all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the
perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange
animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the
growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win
in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a
small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do
not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years
with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a
killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for
five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"
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Old 03-09-2009, 10:25 AM   #109
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Old 03-09-2009, 10:30 AM   #110
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Old 03-12-2009, 07:20 AM   #111
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Female compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman, Emma said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman, Eliza said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman, Elizabeth came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fvcked?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
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Old 03-12-2009, 01:12 PM   #112
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It's . . . just . . . different . . . there

http://www.noob.us/miscellaneous/gui...during-summer/
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Old 03-16-2009, 10:00 AM   #113
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Irish sausages

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy?'

Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry -
just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile..
'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub
I lost the sausage in.'
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Old 03-16-2009, 02:50 PM   #114
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It's . . . just . . . different . . . there
Hey! I spent many summers at the Jersey Shore - but further south where the Guido problem wasn't so bad. More the Philadelphia crowd than the NY crowd where I went...LBI, Ocean City, Avalon. It is one long NJ coastline but each little beach town has it's own character - you gotta know which ones to avoid!

Still, that video was pretty accurate!
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Old 03-18-2009, 08:16 AM   #115
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Boyfriend to the rescue

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'
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Old 03-18-2009, 10:46 AM   #116
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Old 03-25-2009, 10:04 AM   #117
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Childrens' books that didn't make it

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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Old 03-25-2009, 12:07 PM   #118
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A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there" as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "gored" before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....

"Your badge! Show him your badge!"
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Old 03-25-2009, 12:48 PM   #119
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Flight deck humor

The Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the loadmistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?" When the cargo crew came by, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the Major a woman?"

"Yes," said the crew member, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Sgt. Looper, "I'd better have a tranqulizer. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing Sarge," she said, "We no longer call it the cock pit."



"We call it the Box Office."
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:34 PM   #120
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9 months later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. ' We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'









'She just died and left me everything.'
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