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Go Back   FZ1OA Message Board > FZ1 & Fazer Owners Association > Bored Time (Games & Humor)

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Old 07-29-2008, 10:04 AM   #1
Keytickler
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KT's joke corner

A highly respected mod who shall remain nameless suggested that I create a running thread for my humor posts. What the heck . . . I'm game to give it a try. Here's the pitch to the lead off batter.

Keytickler

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers
Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''
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Old 07-29-2008, 01:10 PM   #2
Keytickler
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This year's best headlines

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chain-saw Massacre all over again!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Old 07-29-2008, 01:44 PM   #3
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Venturing into KT's joke ring . . .

And in the other corner we have . . .

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. - Like this: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. ]
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies ! )
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
20. Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind.
And the one's that mind, don't matter..

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Old 07-29-2008, 01:47 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keytickler
A highly respected mod who shall remain nameless suggested that I create a running thread for my humor posts. What the heck . . . I'm game to give it a try. Here's the pitch to the lead off batter.

Keytickler

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'







He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers
Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''
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Old 07-30-2008, 07:39 AM   #5
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Comparative religions

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
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Old 07-30-2008, 10:11 AM   #6
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lol
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Old 07-30-2008, 12:39 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keytickler
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
Now that's a good one!
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Old 07-31-2008, 05:09 AM   #8
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Food for thought . . .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
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Old 07-31-2008, 05:13 AM   #9
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Talking with Jesus

About once a week, when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a cold beer along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me on Thursday after a particularly difficult day.

I said 'Jesus, why do I work so hard?' And I heard the reply: 'Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.'

I said: 'I thought that money was the root of all evil.' And the reply was: 'No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad'.

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. 'Jesus, 'I said, 'What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?'

Jesus replied,' That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but now, I have to finish your lawn.'
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Old 07-31-2008, 05:17 AM   #10
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Zat ees not funny, gringo..........
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Old 07-31-2008, 04:01 PM   #11
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Can I set this thread as a favorite in my toolbar?

Do we have this smilie with an arrow pointed down?
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Old 08-01-2008, 09:03 AM   #12
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Bras

A man walks into a lingerie shop and, looking a bit lost, makes his way to the counter where an employee asks if she can help him. "My wife asked me to pick up a few new bras for her," he says. The clerk replies, "Okay, well, what religion of bra does she want?" "What religion?!" the man asks, even more puzzled than he was to begin with.

The clerk explains, "Yes, there are different religions of bras. For instance, the Catholic bra holds the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, and the Presbyterian keeps them staunch and upright." The man then consults the note his wife insisted on sending with him, and asks, "What does the Baptist bra do?" At this, the clerk has to suppress a small smile, and says, "That bra makes mountains out of molehills."



More fun with bras:

Ever wondered what the letters for cup sizes stood for? Well here is the guide:


A: Almost boobies.

B: Barely there.

C: Can't complain.

D: Dang!

DD: Double Dang!!

E: Enormous.

F: Fake.

G: Get a reduction.

H: Help! I've fallen, and I can't get up!
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Old 08-01-2008, 10:40 AM   #13
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I love boobs. Boob jokes are good, too.
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:30 PM   #14
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An electron walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender brings him the beer. Electron asks how much for the beer and the bartender replies for you buddy no charge.
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Old 08-01-2008, 08:38 PM   #15
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That joke would be funny if it were a neutron that walked into the bar.
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Old 08-02-2008, 05:18 AM   #16
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Calories burned during sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories
Results may vary !!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this, Over 50 Million couples are having SEX !!! And you're on the computer !!!
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Old 08-02-2008, 07:25 PM   #17
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That joke would be funny if it were a neutron that walked into the bar.
Are you positive?
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Old 08-04-2008, 10:46 AM   #18
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Jungle dining

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $15.00
+ Fried Explorer: $20.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference
for the politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

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Old 08-04-2008, 11:10 AM   #19
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Are you positive?
This keeps getting better.
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Old 08-04-2008, 01:35 PM   #20
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I can see how it has a certain attraction...
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