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Go Back   FZ1OA Message Board > FZ1 & Fazer Owners Association > Bored Time (Games & Humor)

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Old 08-04-2008, 01:41 PM   #21
fj1200john
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A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender walks up to them and says what the hell is this, some sort of joke?
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Old 08-05-2008, 09:44 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keytickler
A highly respected mod who shall remain nameless suggested that I create a running thread for my humor posts. What the heck . . . I'm game to give it a try. Here's the pitch to the lead off batter.
I think I preferred it when you did individual posts, it was easier to see when you had posted something new and I didn't have to scroll through all of the previous jokes.

BTW, I love the jokes you post, Great Job!
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:21 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NickBrewer
I think I preferred it when you did individual posts, it was easier to see when you had posted something new and I didn't have to scroll through all of the previous jokes.

BTW, I love the jokes you post, Great Job!

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Old 08-05-2008, 11:15 AM   #24
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yeah, let's put an end to this teeny, tiny, thread about nothing, 100's of pages to sort through, bring the board down, never ending thread and get back to regular business; One joke, one post!

Everyone together now (chant) . . .
One joke, one post!
One joke, one post!
One joke, one post!

j/k (back to regular posting)

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Old 08-05-2008, 01:58 PM   #25
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Old 08-05-2008, 02:30 PM   #26
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

3.14 is terminated PI, 22/7 is unterminated PI

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

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Old 08-05-2008, 02:52 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jpgrfan
yeah, let's put an end to this teeny, tiny, thread about nothing, 100's of pages to sort through, bring the board down, never ending thread and get back to regular business; One joke, one post!

Everyone together now (chant) . . .
One joke, one post!
One joke, one post!
One joke, one post!

j/k (back to regular posting)

Break a deal, spin the wheel...
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:23 AM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fz1eric
This keeps getting better.
I find it particularly funny...
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Old 08-06-2008, 09:03 AM   #29
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Disorder in the American Courts

Caveat: This book is in print. I did not excerpt the following from the book.

The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ _________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________ __________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________ ______________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ ________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
__________________________________________________ ____________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
__________________________________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: ; None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________ ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WIT NESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________ ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_ __________________________________________________ ___________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Old 08-06-2008, 09:08 AM   #30
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Is there an editor on duty?

Headlines that might have been . . .

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------





Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!





War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma's construction program!



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!




Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!





And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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Old 08-06-2008, 01:07 PM   #31
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Things you will not hear a man say

I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.

I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when
she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.

Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them
anymore.

I understand.

This movie has too much nudity.

Damn, we're late for church.

No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.

Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
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Old 08-07-2008, 11:57 AM   #32
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Opression and the pink weenie

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
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Old 08-07-2008, 12:50 PM   #33
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Hoooray!
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Old 08-07-2008, 01:31 PM   #34
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@ the Attorney/Witnesss exchanges.

I read those years ago, but had forgotten. Thanks, KT!
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Old 01-06-2009, 02:05 PM   #35
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10 signs you are at a Hamas New Years Party

10. Any resolution made is expected to be broken immediately following a 6 month time frame
9. Some dude keeps asking where the 72 virgins are
8. Kassam Rocket fire on Israeli civilians conveniently renamed "fireworks"
7. Underground tunnel parties, so last week
6. The underage kids are the only ones encouraged to take shots
5. Party blows up (primarily because one smoker forgot about the bomb factory in the basement)
4. No explosive-device, no entry
3. Line for the bathroom is blamed on the Israel
2. No one there takes responsibility for the mess they make
1. Thank God, everyone at the party gets bombed
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Old 01-06-2009, 02:07 PM   #36
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Disappointing birthday in an economic downturn

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."
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Old 01-06-2009, 02:12 PM   #37
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'Twas The Night Before Inauguration

T'was the night before inauguration and I saw with dismay
The market was tanking. No more 401K!
The stocks: they were hung, in downfall they stuck
While Bush, he did nothing; a truly lame duck.

Republicans nestled their heads in the sand
With visions of defeat of the Republican brand.
And Cheney with his gun, his heart raced apace,
Looking for someone to shoot in the face.

When out on the House floor, there arose such a clatter
I sprang to the Internet to see what was the matter.
Away to my screen I ran like a flash
Hoping the market hadn't utterly crashed.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Showed us all someone we needed to know.
When what to my eyes I paused (with a comma,)
But a vision of hope: Barack H. Obama!

With excitement, conviction in each of his steps,
I wondered what he and his staff would do next.
More rapid than eagles his appointments they came
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name.

Now Emanuel! Now Dashle! Now Richardson, Biden!
On Clinton, Napolitano, and Gates! No sense hidin'!
To fix the economy, our reputation, and more.
And to stop the killing of this horrible war.

As Obama stood still, Republicans trembled,
Recalling 8 years of disaster they'd assembled.
They've broken our banks, and doubled our debt.
They scared us to death with weapons of threats.

They squandered a surplus, They started a war.
Our shredded constitution still litters the floor.
They attacked our unions, immigrants, gays.
Though they claim to be Christians, on weak folks they prey.

Will we ever recover from the hole that they've dug?
We'll climb to the top with an American tug.
The Republican party near destroyed all that matters.
They deserve nothing more but to hold the damn ladder.

But his voice, it did change, along with a smile,
Thinking thoughts of the bills that soon would be filed.
We'll protect people older and younger, alike;
Restore our fine honor, our military might.

Protecting our planet, and cleaning our air,
While creating a surplus we can leave to our heirs.
We'll fix our economy; health care for all!
We'll honor those who fought, and those who will fall.

Barack sprang to his feet, to his team gave a shout.
The challenges, impossible? Hard work needed, no doubt.

But I heard him exclaim, as he talked and he ran,
Hey! It's not just a slogan, YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
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Old 01-06-2009, 02:12 PM   #38
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Old 01-06-2009, 05:23 PM   #39
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Old 01-06-2009, 07:48 PM   #40
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I think Todd was at this party...
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