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Go Back   FZ1OA Message Board > FZ1 & Fazer Owners Association > Bored Time (Games & Humor)

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Old 01-14-2009, 02:25 PM   #61
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great stuff, Keith!

One more winter joke.

Q: Why were the snowmen lined up by the curb?
A: They heard the snowblower was coming.
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:57 PM   #62
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After returning from a sea voyage

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.

Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services,
but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly
after by a leg curling around his rear.

Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."
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Old 01-14-2009, 03:45 PM   #63
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That reminds me of an old joke.

A man is talking to some of his friends about pleasing the ladies. One friend says, "If they REALLY like it, their toes curl!"

So the man goes to a prostitute to find out if this is true. After a hurried introduction and passing of funds, they start at it. Sure enough, he looks down and her toes are curling!

After they are done, he comments on it, thinking he did a good job of pleasuring the ol' pro. She turns to him and says, "you were in such a hurry you didn't give me time to get my panty hose off!"
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Old 01-15-2009, 10:50 AM   #64
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One final election joke

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some non-political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared by a teacher who teaches AP Government at (name deleted) High School.

In one class they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The teacher and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ..."What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"


And, someday she'll vote! She probably already drives.
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Old 01-26-2009, 10:35 AM   #65
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Interesting geography

Have at it, Captain Bummer. I tried to check this on Snopes and didn't get any hits.


Alaska - More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon - The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river; one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica - Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

Brazil - Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada - Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."

Chicago - Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit - Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road any where.

Damascus, Syria - Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey - Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles - Los Angeles's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City - The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel

Ohio - There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.

Pitcairn Island - The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4.53 sq. km.

Rome - The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia - Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

S.M.O.M. - The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert - In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Spain - Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'

St. Paul, Minnesota - St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there.

Roads - Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada: 75%

Texas - The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.

United States - The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls - The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls

I have always said you should learn something new every day.

Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow.

But, give it a shot anyway
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Old 01-26-2009, 01:29 PM   #66
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Latest news from NASCAR

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
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Old 01-26-2009, 01:35 PM   #67
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This is the only one I can verify for sure, and I used to drink a lot of Pig's Eye beer, had a picture of him on it.

St. Paul, Minnesota - St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there
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Old 01-26-2009, 01:51 PM   #68
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As you slide down the bannister of life . . .

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert
have written An impressive new book.
It's called ......... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss,
the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning,
One brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who,
after taking the trash out, gives the impression
that he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen -
just Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life,
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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Old 01-26-2009, 02:02 PM   #69
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Mt. Rushmore

Ever wonder what's on the other side of the mountain??

http://www.pcqanda.com/dc/user_files2/22608.jpg
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Old 01-26-2009, 02:14 PM   #70
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Human interest story (brings a tear . . .)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, 'I outlived the bitches.'
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Old 01-26-2009, 02:20 PM   #71
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keytickler View Post
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, 'I outlived the bitches.'


I've got something to live for now!
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Old 01-26-2009, 03:02 PM   #72
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Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.


3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her "Honey, harassment nothing to me."

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
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Old 01-26-2009, 04:47 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keytickler View Post

Roads - Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada: 75%

OOoo, that just screams KLR to me!!
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Old 01-26-2009, 04:49 PM   #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keytickler View Post
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.


3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her "Honey, harassment nothing to me."

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
Hey, that's a repeat!!!!!!

heehee
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Old 01-27-2009, 08:48 AM   #75
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DUI Texas Style

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.


At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
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Old 01-27-2009, 10:12 AM   #76
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The mexican words of the day are awesome!!! I hear that all the time.
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Old 01-28-2009, 02:20 PM   #77
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Best menopause question ever

Question:

How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!

ONLY ONE! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged out to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?
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Old 01-28-2009, 04:43 PM   #78
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Hey, you don't have to be menopausal to go through that.

It should read MARRIED women.
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Old 01-30-2009, 02:21 PM   #79
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Tough things to say when drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8 . Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
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Old 01-30-2009, 02:33 PM   #80
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No, going to a strip club doesn't sound like a good idea...
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